This testimony was originally written as a series of weekly articles for our church newsletter. I’m glad to have the opportunity to share it with you.
A story of radical transformation out of darkness
This is a story about the toughest times I have ever lived through. But above all, it is a story of the love, grace, mercy and power of God to radically impact on any of us at any time of our lives. It is a story of victory. And for everyone who so faithfully prayed for me, this is your story too. You have played an integral part in what has happened and how God has chosen to answer your prayers.
And it starts long before I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.
Having retired from General Practice in September 2018, it was our great desire and vision for retirement that God would take the hundreds of people we had got to know over the previous 31 years and allow us the freedom to speak to them about Jesus. But it didn’t quite go according to our version of the plan! I began to struggle with over commitment at church and in the community and started to see the tell-tale signs of drying up spiritually. This was not what God wanted for me. Having sat down with Daniel, our Pastor,to look at some of the things that could be reduced or passed on, I started to seek God for a much greater sense of the abundant life of Jesus that scripture talks about in John 10 v 10:-
‘The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy, but I came that they may have life in all its abundance.’
I began asking for that abundant life of Jesus, knowing this might well be a long term prayer. Sometimes those big prayers need a lot of persisting before they are answered. I was still regularly praying that prayer a year later when I became unwell.
On 22nd June 2020, as we were driving back from Aberdeenshire, I got the phone call to say that my recent CT scan was showing a mass on my pancreas. Well it didn’t take much medical knowledge to understand the likely diagnosis and our lives were instantly turned upside down. I remember looking at Niall and saying ‘This is not good’ then taking a deep breath and saying ‘This is no surprise to God. He is bigger than this. All will be well’. At the time, I certainly believed the first two of those statements, but if I’m honest, I was not at all sure that all would be well.
The first of several supernatural happenings, took place that very night. At 3.30am on 23rd June, I was woken very suddenly. The entire room was filled with the most extraordinary and profound peace I have ever experienced. I was so startled by it, I sat up wide awake. The very presence of God filled the room. And then God began to speak- that still small voice. ‘I will do a new thing in your life’ He said. ‘You will receive a new boldness to speak to souls who need to hear about Jesus. I will send you souls who need to hear’. ‘Wow’ I thought, I’ve just been commissioned by God Himself. I felt incredibly humbled to receive it. The tangible peace of God’s presence never left throughout and I eventually fell asleep again. There was no indication of when it would start, no indication of how long my life would last to fulfil this commission, or even how it would fit in with whatever my treatment plan was in the weeks and months ahead. I have often pondered this in my heart ever since, but at the time, I determined that no matter what, I would endeavour to speak about Jesus wherever I went.
We mobilised the prayer army which quite literally rippled across the world. As word of mouth spread, people across the length and breadth of the UK were praying for us. We were prayed for in USA, Malaysia, New Zealand, and parts of Africa. We had the entire diocese of Oxfordshire praying as a result of the bishop of Oxford hearing the news!
We also decided to ask people we knew locally to ‘Try Praying’ trusting that God would do an even bigger work in the lives of many locals.
As I waited for my treatment plan to unfold, I started to become increasingly disquieted and anxious. Negative thoughts and looking too far ahead began to allow fear to creep in. The battle was starting
The Valley of the Shadow of Death
What do you do when you find yourself being pulled into a dark tunnel of anxiety, fear, terror and depression? When, having relied on a sense of wellbeing and fitness in life, you find yourself feeling so ill, that even walking around the house feels like a struggle.
My chemo journey was rough. Everyone reacts differently. Every 2 weeks, I went through to Dumfries to receive a cocktail of four different chemo drugs over a full day, with a pump effusion attached to the chemo line that was permanently sticking out of my chest wall, given over the following 48 hours at home. I had a lot of side effects over those first 4 treatments with a cumulative effect that I had been warned sometimes happens. I felt ill because I had cancer. I felt doubly ill because of the chemo.
One of the most difficult things to deal with was my medical knowledge. It proved so hard not to think about the patients I knew who had previously been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and all the medical statistics that go along with the diagnosis. Knowing too much can be just as challenging as not knowing anything- scary in itself as it is a complete unknown. But I had been given a weapon to wield against such thoughts. Throughout those early days I was constantly speaking out Proverbs 3 v 5-6.
‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make straight your paths.’
I spoke it out weakly, with very little sense of conviction, hoping it would make a difference, but not really experiencing that difference. I spoke it out simply because in His word, God tells me to do it.
I gathered some promises from scripture together, wrote them out and started reminding myself of them at the start of each day. It felt important to speak them out loud- silence can be one of the enemy’s greatest weapons. Again, I spoke them out weakly, without any sense of conviction, absolutely desperate to see some difference they might be making, trusting that one day that difference would be real, seen, experienced, because in scripture God says that it will be so.
Throughout those very dark days I attempted to maintain my time with God every morning, though so often, I just fell asleep, the only relief I got from that dark world. I knew I was being stripped in every conceivable way as I stared down the gun barrel of my own mortality with nothing or no-one to hang on to except Jesus. I knew absolutely nothing or no-one in this world could help me. I flitted in and out of this place several times a day for several weeks. My gut-wrenching cry when fear and terror threatened to overwhelm me was Psalm 73 v 25
‘Whom have I in heaven but you? There is nothing on earth I desire besides you’.
This was my bottom line. Giving up was not an option. I couldn’t unbelieve what I believed. It seemed God had forsaken me, hidden His face from me- I certainly couldn’t see Him, couldn’t hear Him, and couldn’t experience Him. I was surrounded by fear.
Yet……..’Whom have I in heaven but you? There is nothing on earth I desire besides you.’
Prayer support was so valuable at this time. I constantly reminded myself of the hundreds of people who were praying, trusting ‘the prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective’. James 5 v 16b.
Early on in this chemo journey I was introduced to a book ‘Gentle and Lowly’ by Dane Ortlund. It was recommended by Daniel, our Pastor, for whom it had made a big impact. The title fitted the bill- ‘Gentle and Lowly- The Heart of Christ for sinners and sufferers.’ It certainly was a time of deep suffering and I wanted to know more. It was through this book that I was introduced to Jesus at a whole new level, the truth of what lies at His heart as expressed in Matthew 11 v 28-30:-
‘Come to me all who labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.’
Slowly, imperceptibly, as I read through this book, a flicker of a candle flame arose somewhere in the depths of my soul. The weight of the dark place was being momentarily lifted as Jesus met me on those pages. It was fleeting and transitory at times, but it was there. I was starting to come THROUGH the valley, just as He promised.
‘Do not be deceived Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy’s will, looks around upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why has he been forsaken and still obeys.’
The Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis.
Coming through the valley and some honest talking with Jesus
As that candle flame grew stronger, it helped to be looking back on those 4 cycles of chemo and start to feel physically better. That helped a lot. I was beginning to understand just how much my life depended on the grace, mercy and love of Jesus, every minute of every day. I was also becoming aware that I was not the person I thought I was. We all have our own slightly skewed version of ourselves, tinted by who we would like to think we are. There’s something about having that all stripped away that reveals a much more honest view of who we actually are.
But another energy was beginning to erupt within me. Frustration, anger, questions…so many questions. I needed to take that whole time of suffering back to Jesus and demand some answers. ‘Where were you?’ ‘What was going on?’ We live our lives looking forwards, and so often insight comes as we look back. I desperately wanted to find some answers to what I had been through and was determined to keep asking those questions until I got an answer. The Psalms gave me plenty of excuses to get real and honest with Jesus. David is borderline rude to God at times so I reckoned I was free to be as rude as I needed to be and just tell Him how I felt. As I thought about that black tunnel that I had flitted in and out of multiple times a day, sitting on my bed unable to pray, just weep, I began a conversation with Jesus that was just about as honest as it gets.
‘You promised to never leave me. Where on earth were You when all I could do was cry in desperation, when I couldn’t even pray through my anguish?’
At this point, I’m going to be totally honest. As I asked Him this question, I had a picture of Jesus standing rather remotely offside, just waiting for His time to get involved. What Jesus actually said to me in that moment left me astounded and amazed. Like a voice loud enough to be audible He said ‘Jenny, I was sitting on the bed crying with you.’
The Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief so identified with my helpless, fearful condition that He took time to sit with me shedding His own tears. ‘Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows.’ (Isaiah 53 v 4a) No human could have walked this path with me but Jesus was more than qualified to be there weeping with me, for He has been to a level of pain and suffering that we can never even imagine. He knows it all.
As I let the profound truth sink in of what He told me, a striking picture was given to me. I saw Jesus getting up from His place beside me, putting His nail scarred hands gently on my shoulders, turning me around and walking me safely out of that dark tunnel. It was one of the tenderest, most beautiful and gracious insights the Lord has ever given to me. I will never forget that moment.
I caught a glimpse that day of a significantly deeper level of connection with God that only a time of being undone to that level can bring. Something that goes far beyond rational thought, words, or emotions. A time of silence, where questions don’t get answered, yet a time of deep connection to God, where Jesus, driven by what is at the core of His heart, fully acknowledges my pain and suffering, sits down beside me and weeps.
Shifting perspectives and some real encouragements
As I look back on this cancer journey, I know that God has given me some significant encouragements for each section of that journey. Some are big answers to prayer, some are supernatural encouragements, and some are big spiritual victories, but all showing just how much God is involved in the little things as well as the big things of our lives, and everything else in between. It really matters to God that we are well in spirit, soul and body at all levels.
Each encouragement was given to help along the way, but also to start changing those slightly flawed perspectives that I had on who God actually is and to start turning some areas of head knowledge into deep heart knowledge.
Long after the event that was the big multidisciplinary team meeting (MDT) in Edinburgh where all local cancer cases get discussed and where treatment plans are made, I was told that the cancer specialists, radiologists, and surgeons spent an extraordinary length of time discussing my case. It was much longer than a normal case would have taken. There was something about my scans that stood out as altogether unusual. My pancreatic tumour was regarded as quite large and for a tumour of that size, no-one could work out why it was pushing local structures out of the way rather than invading them as they would have expected. It appeared that it was behaving as if there was a protective capsule around it and the MDT meeting had almost concluded that it might be a much rarer tumour. But no, as it turned out, it was the common version. Could God’s hand be really in that? Could He be intervening at a microscopic level? Why ever not! As my Creator, all things are possible.
One of the most amazing encouragements early on in this journey was given to me by a friend who is hugely gifted in discernment and spiritual warfare. She has the wonderful gift of being able to see angels. As she was walking past the house, she told me of a heaven-sent angelic presence over the entire house. This comprised of an angelic guard of protection on the left hand side of the house, while the right hand side was enfolded by a huge heavenly being, a pure, bright, white light of pulsating love, energy, power, warmth; accompanied by sounds like wind. Angels of all sizes were coming and going through the front door. Whoever enters our home, adults and children, would be ministered to, according to their needs, by these ministering angels. Each person had their own ministering angel. Their presence is still there today, unchanged, as an ongoing assignment. I would love to see those angels and have asked God for eyes to see them. There were, and still are, plenty of times I wake up in the morning absolutely sure I’ve been ministered to through the night, such is the contrast between how I felt the night before and how I feel the next morning. I’m sure we all have angels ministering to us and protecting us at all times in our lives, but knowing it is there to such a degree as a constant and ongoing presence makes us feel incredibly looked after by the One who sent them.
One of the biggest spiritual moments happened on 23rd October. I had the house to myself, and was looking forward to having my quiet time. As part of that time of Bible study, I was going through some old sermons by Canadian born Carter Conlan, former minister in Times Square Church, New York. He had been recommended by Andrew and Angela Smith as someone with a tremendous teaching gift. I must say that as I went through these sermons there was never a time when God didn’t powerfully speak to me through them. The next sermon in line happened to be an Easter Day sermon based on Hebrews 2 v 9-15 with the title ‘Set free from the fear of death’. Although the heart of this sermon was entirely evangelistic, God had an altogether different plan for me.
‘..He Himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death He might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery.’ As I read those words, they literally jumped off the page at me as someone who still had a fear of death hanging over me. All in an instant, I looked back at the longstanding fear of flying that had existed in my life and saw it for what it actually was- a fear of dying. The thing that pierced my heart most that day was that my Saviour had died to free me from that very thing and there I was hanging onto it. Time to let go once and for all. There was only one thing to do. Confess, repent and ask for forgiveness, trusting the Holy Spirit to bear a new witness in my heart and know with deep assurance that there was a new freedom from the fear of death birthed in me. Since that day, I can honestly say I have not been afraid of dying. Even as a long standing Christian, that very issue was still hanging around. It’s not uncommon for Christians to be afraid of dying but Jesus has given us a way through if we acknowledge it before Him.
The devil’s primary strategy is deception. He will disguise his activities so they appear to be something else (fear of flying, rather than fear of dying) He does not want our attention on the real issues. But the Spirit will guide you into all truth. The truth will set you free. (John 16 v 3, John 8 v 32.)
It was also around that time that I got the results of my first scan since chemo. To say I had an amazed oncologist telling me on the video screen that my tumour had shrunk from 5.8cm to just over 2cm was an understatement. How God’s mercy was evident that day! But no blessing goes uncontested in the spiritual realm, and I was also told that two new shadows had appeared in my liver, and would require an MRI scan to rule out secondaries. Both lesions turned out to be benign and so I was slowly heading to my final PET scan that would hopefully clear me for surgery.
Those following days truly felt like a mini mountain top experience- set free from the fear of death, an amazing response to chemo, evidence that God’s hand was truly in the microscopic aspects of my life with an ongoing ministering and protecting assignment of angels around me. For the first time in such a long time, joy returned. I was being made ready for the next hurdle that was major surgery.
Someone asked me at that time what part I thought I had played in all that had happened. It was on the tip of my tongue to say ‘Absolutely nothing’ but I stopped myself in the moment. ‘I ran to Jesus’ I said, ‘And I didn’t stop running to Him no matter what.’
No matter what your circumstances are, keep running to Jesus. You will never be disappointed.
‘Go to Him. If you knew His heart you would.’ Gentle and Lowly by Dane Ortlund
The extraordinary gift of faith
In order to cope mentally with this enormous and protracted journey through cancer, I determined to split the treatment plan into three more manageable sections- pre surgery chemo, surgery and then chemo after surgery. One of my biggest downfalls in those early stages was thinking too far ahead, allowing fear and anxiety to creep in. I resisted as much as I could the need to look beyond the current bit of the treatment plan that I found myself in. And so by November 2020, I was lifting my head with the first lot of chemo done, taking in a deep breath and started looking towards the planned major surgery. The surgery was eventually made certain for me when Professor Wigmore phoned me to say my final PET scan was all clear apart from the primary tumour. Surgery was to be scheduled for the beginning of December. I understood the seriousness of the surgery. A Whipples procedure involves the removal of the gallbladder, bile duct, duodenum, part of the stomach and as much of the pancreas involving the tumour as needed. There were unknowns too. Until the surgeons got inside me they would not know if the tumour was stuck down to any of my main blood vessels which would require further surgery for vessel reconstruction, adding on maybe a couple of hours further to the operation. The complication rate was 50-60% and I was told that a stay of 3 weeks was to be expected if this was the case. If I didn’t get any post op complications, I could expect to be in hospital 2 weeks.
In those days coming up to surgery, fear and anxiety were never far away, but I was already beginning to have a deep heart knowledge about just how much Jesus’ presence was a place of refuge, safety and peace out of such storms. I used Psalm 27 v 1 a lot during that time, noticing just how speedily I was returned to a place of peace and confidence in God when I spoke it out.
‘The Lord is my light and salvation, whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?’ Psalm 27 v 1
The week before surgery it was verses 13-14 of that Psalm that completely grabbed me as my verses to take into theatre with me.
‘I believe that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord! Psalm 27 v 13-14.
This scripture had been given to me as a special gift from the Lord for the big challenge ahead. I spoke it out often in that week before my surgery. The more I spoke it out, the more confident I grew in the truth of those verses. By the time I went through to Edinburgh Royal Infirmary I was utterly convinced that all would be well. Never before had I been so certain of anything. It was rock solid and unshakeable. No doubts at all. The last thing I said to Niall, my husband as he left me was ‘All will be well. You’ll see.’
‘Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.’ Hebrews 11 v 1
Just how well everything went even amazed me! I am truly grateful for everyone’s prayers and committed prayer and fasting from some friends for that week around my surgery. I went into theatre totally at peace. The anaesthetist even commented how ‘normal’ my blood pressure was as he checked me before putting me to sleep. When I woke, I was told that everything had gone well, there were no complications, no need for vessel reconstruction and the whole thing was done in 4 ½ hours, a relatively short time for such a procedure. I was transferred to the high dependency unit where amazingly I was pain free for 48 hours, such was the complete success of the epidural block I had in place. Even the staff commented that it was working far better than normal. I was sitting knitting when one of the consultants came round ‘Wow’ he said ‘You are doing normal things. We don’t get that in here!’ Once transferred back to the main ward, I eventually got all my tubes and drips out and I was pretty determined to get up on my feet, going for slow, regular walks up and down the corridor. I remember clearly one of the big ward rounds coming to see me in those days. The bed was surrounded by the full clinical entourage and the two consultants just stood and shook their heads when they heard how much progress I had made. I had such joy that morning telling them that only God can heal like that. I got home exactly a week to the day that I had my surgery.
‘I believe I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord!’
And so I did- and look what happened!
How this scripture impacted on me at that time set me off on a journey to appreciate much more deeply than ever before just how transformational is the living word of God. Since that time I have grown to understand just how faith building, life creating and sustaining, battle standing, totally transformational is the word of God- not just for individual challenges but for every moment of every day. To hear God’s word to our hearts is life itself. There is nothing better. It sets our souls on fire with the abundant life of Jesus when we hear directly from Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Yes, it takes time to let the word of God dwell in you richly but what a promise when we do so- that we become ‘complete, and fully equipped for every good work’ (1 Timothy 3 v 17)
As you open the word of God and read it, speak it out and live it out with practice and perseverance, watch how it lightens your darkness, quenches your thirst, strengthens your weaknesses, and utterly transforms you into the person God wants you to be.
Surgery results and more chemo battles
Having got home quickly from surgery, I had been well warned by the ward nurse specialist that I would be very tired and need lots of rest. And she was right. I was absolutely exhausted and needed multiple sleeps each day and night. My eating was initially confined to a sloppy diet to allow my new digestive system to adjust. I had been told that my pathology results would take about 2-3 weeks to come back- something I knew medically was a very important part of the journey. If the tumour hadn’t been resected in its entirety, with no sign of lymph node disease, then a medical cure was not an option.
As I lifted my head once again, from the surgery phase of my treatment and started to look forwards to the next lot of chemo, I had absolutely no idea how I was ever going to make it through eight cycles of chemo when I had found four so rough. As I waited as patiently as I knew for the surgery results, I began another battle with fear and anxiety all over again. My weak point was undoubtedly all the bad memories of what had gone on before and Satan certainly used that to allow more fear and anxiety to fly in on the back of it. But I had learned some important spiritual lessons and God graciously reminded me of them.
Don’t forget what I have done for you. Psalm 103 v1-2 ‘Bless the Lord O my soul, and all that is within me bless His holy name! Bless the Lord O my soul and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, and crowns you with steadfast love and mercy.’
Don’t forget to keep running to Jesus, as you have learnt to do. Keep being honest and real with Him. He is your refuge- guaranteed!
Don’t forget that the Word of God is a powerful weapon in battle!
How grateful I was for God to graciously remind me of these things. And how easily we forget, at least in the moment.
It took over five weeks to get the pathology results back. What a roller coaster of a 24 hours that proved to be. Prof Wigmore phoned me to tell me had the best possible news. All the tumour was resected, it was confined to the pancreas, and none of the 20 resected lymph nodes had any disease in them. To be honest, I had to get Niall to pray my thanks to God for me that day, I was crying so much. The next day I had my oncology appointment to discuss follow up chemo, and to my enormous relief, the eight cycles were reduced to four. And these four cycles were to be regarded as curative.
Sometimes when we look back, we can see a series of signs that God is being consistent with where He is taking us. Each sign might not be that significant in and of itself, they might simply be an individual cause to give thanks for His goodness, but put together, they show a direction. As God reminded me of what He had done for me, we dared to trust God that He is a God who remains true to Himself and His constant, unchanging nature that we read of in scripture. He is not a God who showers us with blessing one minute and pulls the rug from under us the next. If we ask for bread, He will not give us a stone. (Matthew 7 v 9-10)
I began to really trust that God wanted me healed!
It was just under six week’s post- surgery that I began my final four cycles of chemo. Well it certainly didn’t go as planned. On top of all the usual side effects that I had experienced before, I was hit with the severest of pain around my operation site. I had no idea what was happening when it began on the way home from Dumfries. Thankfully it lasted only a few minutes and then began to ease off. But after another bout of it when I got home, leaving me rolling on the floor in the worst pain I have ever experienced, I ended up in A&E where they decided it was severe spasm secondary to one of the chemo drugs. I was given some medication, and although it didn’t take the spasms away, it did reduce the severity of them from a level of 10/10 to 8/10. I was truly grateful for these small mercies!
Unfortunately five days later I ended up with a high temperature and rigors which triggered a 999 call and a trip back to hospital with evidence of an infection somewhere. All settled down for a while after that, but the trial was not over. After cycle three, I ended up with another high temperature, necessitating a one week stay in Dumfries for IV antibiotics this time, and a diagnosis of a chemo line infection, requiring it to be removed in theatre at 10.30pm one night. I had no idea what was going to happen then, as my chemo was usually only given through my chemo line. I really didn’t want to skip the fourth chemo and neither did my oncologist so she arranged to get it done as an inpatient through a conventional drip- only used for exceptional cases but requiring monitoring. It was a difficult three day stay at the Western General. All the usual side effects hit me, along with the abdominal spasms, but this time I was in a single room by myself, not able to leave the room. How I wanted God to come down and micro manage my situation for me. Getting over the finish line proved so difficult and I certainly expressed to God my complete frustration and extreme weariness of it all. I demanded to know why He hadn’t made my path even a little bit straighter. I’m still waiting for His answer.
It was around this time of being a bit overwhelmed with my negative thinking patterns that I reminded by God to ‘take every thought captive’ 2 Corinthians 10 v 5. What do you do when such negative thoughts overwhelm you and it seems like you cannot break out of them? God was certainly nudging me and reminding me I needn’t be at the mercy of what Satan was trying to do in my thinking, human and all that is was in the middle of a great trial. Strangely enough, it proved to be a system used in cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) that allowed me to do the work that God was showing me I needed to do. I did not want Satan to have the final say and so by God’s grace I adopted the Catch it, Check it, Replace it system in my thinking patterns. It demanded a lot of self-discipline, and know with absolute certainty that it was God’s strength given to me at the time that allowed me to do it. Whenever I noticed a negative thought or thinking pattern starting I would stop myself there and then no matter what I was doing. I would go over what I had voiced in my head, and more especially for me, the unvoiced emotion behind it, check the truth of it and if found to be untrue, I would replace it with truth, usually scripture. I have many worked out examples of this but here is just one:-
Thought- How am I going to get to the end of chemo (with the underlying fear that I will never make it?)
Catch it- Stop. Is that the truth? Check it- It’s not the truth. I have done four cycles before so I know I can make it to the end. Replace it- With God all things are possible- reminding myself that God has brought me through thus far, healed me and so much more besides. Essentially what was happening was that I was shown one way to replace Satan’s lies with God’s truth. With God’s strength and the Holy Spirit’s nudging that He wanted me to know the victory in this, over the subsequent couple of weeks I adopted this process. It resulted in the most amazing several days of peace and freedom from the battle with fear and anxiety. All the thanks goes to Him once again!
And so I had made it to the end of treatment, crawling over the finish line, battle weary and scarred, but radically changed to knowing and experiencing God and knowing myself in a much clearer and more truthful way. I was told to regard myself as cancer free and wait for a 6 month post-op scan. But the journey wasn’t over yet.
A time of looking back and my first scan.
When you have had cancer, to be told you should regard yourself as cancer free is momentous. That longed-for, hoped-for and trusted God for moment. But equally a moment that is initially difficult to take in. But as those words from my oncologist began to sink in, I found myself turning to God and just wanting to give Him all the praise for not only seeing me through cancer treatment but also the amazing work of transformation that He had brought about.
‘Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all we ask or imagine according to the power that is at work in us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations forever and ever. Amen. (Ephesians 3 v 20-21)
I took some time to make a list of all the noticeable changes in me that God had clearly made as I walked through this long, tough road. Here are a few of the most significant ones:-
1. Set me free from the fear of death.
2. Developed in me a deeper passion for the living Word of God
3. A real understanding that nothing replaces a daily, intimate quality time with Jesus. This is the source of Life itself, the place from where streams of Living Water flow.
4. Peace is not the absence of difficulty. It is the presence of God.
5. An ever increasing sense of dependence on God for every day. I can do nothing without Him.
All these things had been taken from the theoretical realm of my faith and birthed in me as deep heart knowledge. The abundant life of Jesus that I had prayed for so long for was being established in me.
Quite something when all your recent prayers are about asking Him for physical healing!
‘Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all we ask or imagine according to the power that is at work in us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations forever and ever. Amen.’
And so, it was with this confidence and growing strength that the Lord was giving me that I went into my routine 6 month post-p scan in June 2020. It was at this point that I was told my oncologist had gone on long term sick leave and I would be assigned a new oncologist for my follow up review video call. I didn’t give the appointment a second thought. What a shock I got when a very worried and serious oncologist spoke to me that day telling me my scan was grossly abnormal. I had a non-specific soft tissue swelling at my operation site with multiple enlarged lymph nodes. While he didn’t know for sure why that was, he did say cancer recurrence was a likelihood. He was convinced he was going to meet someone who was very unwell. I described to him that I was feeling well, no real issues and in fact had just run a 10k without any problem. This seemed to confuse him and so a 6 week follow up scan was arranged. I had the joy of telling him that God was ultimately in charge of my life and I was content to wait for Him in this. Apparently he reported to the nurse specialist that he wasn’t nearly so worried about me having spoken to me.
But my heart sank at the news and I was hit a broadside with anxiety- not the low grade normal human feelings we all have from time to time, but the fierce, intense anxiety that only comes from a spiritual attack. I ran several times a day to the presence of Jesus where I knew I would be safe, where peace would descend, where the things of the world fade away. The contrast was even more striking than before- a profound peace in the middle of a raging battle. The devil, quite simply couldn’t touch me when I was that close to Jesus. My amazing Prince of Peace!
‘You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is fixed on you, because he trusts in you.’ Isaiah 26 v3
As I read scripture through this time, I added specific elements to my day of praise and worship, both essential for fierce battles (See the amazing truth of this in 2 Chronicles 2 ch 20)
Just as before, my medical knowledge proved to be a real disadvantage. I knew fully about the very high recurrence rates of pancreatic cancer, and I lost track of the number of times I spoke out the fact that I wasn’t ‘a medical statistic, I was a child of God’ as I resisted all the enemy was trying to do. The following promise was given to me just at the right time when Daniel, our Pastor visited us.
‘Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble and he delivered them from their distress.’ Psalm 107 v28. And that was exactly what happened! Slowly but steadily, the spirit of anxiety was sent packing and left defeated. Praise God!
As I pondered and prayed through the questions I had about why my scan wasn’t normal, I began to develop a ‘knowing’ that I would have been tempted to rest on my laurels and stop pushing on with, and depending on God. There was a growing sense that more work was needing to be done and the truths I had learnt needed to be rooted deeper still. He wanted more for me. How well Jesus knows me. Far better than I know myself! I determined to push on whatever the Lord had for me in this season of uncertainly and yield to all that He had for me.
Pushing on into the promised abundant life
When God truly gets hold of your life and brings about some radical transformation, there is only one way you are compelled to go- ever deeper towards the Saviour who made that transformation possible. Despite my 6 week scan showing early signs of node growth, I had an ever growing sense of wanting more and more of Jesus in my life.
‘Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is nothing on earth I desire besides You.’ Psalm 73 v 25
I was becoming increasingly aware of just how small my view and experience of God was- despite the incredible things God had already done in my life. I was certainly listening more to what God had to say to me in this season and it was during this time that I started again to actively pray for an even greater experience of the abundant life of Jesus, just as I had before this cancer journey began. It was during one such time in His presence that I was given a strikingly clear picture. I saw a banquet hall set out with one place setting. It was for me. Across the top of this hall was a huge table piled high with incredible and delicious food of all kinds. I marvelled at the amount of food- I couldn’t possibly eat it all. God said it was all for me and it was food that would never perish or spoil. ‘This is what I have for you, Jenny’ He said. I approached the table and lifted a couple of items only to realise that underneath were layers upon layers of other beautiful foods- just as if there was no end to all that God had in store for me. I struggled hugely to take in the fact that it was all for me- a glimpse of the abundance of God’s goodness. I remember very clearly responding with these words ‘I have such a small view of You, Lord. Forgive my brokenness once again and graciously expand my horizons of who You are. And all for the glory of Jesus, who made this possible.’ Amen.
This picture left me profoundly impacted. My severe limitations I have in understanding, appreciating, experiencing the Lord are real- I want to know who He is, and not who I think He is.
‘I AM so much more’ became a recurring phrase as I read, prayed, listened and asked. I began to echo those words in the daily battle. Whenever I was hit with thoughts or feelings that were negative or diminished God in some way, I naturally wanted to resist the evil one with these words- ‘No, He is so much more!’
I took a day to do a scripture trawl of those times when the phrase ‘much more’ came up. With different translations included there are a lot! I was asking for the ‘so much more’ of Jesus in my life, whatever that actually meant I had no idea. It was important to wait before God to see how He would answer. I didn’t take that long before the next step was revealed. Both Niall and Daniel had spoken of fasting, albeit in passing, in their teaching and when a friend quietly handed me a book on the subject, it was pretty clear where the next step was heading. I already had a vague sense that fasting had a place when we need to intentionally seek and petition God for something. And so, I did as God was asking and last September started a season of prayer and fasting, whatever the consequences would be. For the first time in this cancer journey my health issues were beginning to take a back seat. And it was beginning to feel like my desire for much more of Jesus in my life was going to be the most important thing in my life.
The Dream, the scan results and the so much more begins.
It was a bit of a throw away prayer. Not especially intense, nor spoken with any great conviction. ‘If the next scan result isn’t going to go the way I hope or want Lord, I’m going to need a mighty big word from you to keep me encouraged.’ Amen.
My next scan results were due on 16th November. Scan days are hard. The peace is often shattered by anxiety and fear of what might be coming. I take a stand in that battle continuing to find peace in the presence of my Saviour who loves me with a love that I cannot begin to fathom. I thank Him for who He is and continue to declare His sovereignty over my life.
I woke on the morning of the 16th November immediately aware that I had had a dream that was so extraordinarily different to my normal dreams that I immediately knew it was from God. Only once before had I been aware that God had been the Author of my dream. It is altogether different, hard to describe to someone who hasn’t been given a dream from God. There is a ‘knowing’ that comes with it. I know His voice. (Interesting to note that God promises plenty of dreams and visions in these last days. See Joel 2 v 28 and 29.)
Niall, Katie and I were in a light aircraft. We needed to land and we were immediately aware there was no pilot in the cockpit. Despite that fact, all was calm but we knew that in order to land, the plane had to fly backwards (although the three of us continued to face forwards). The final manoeuvre before landing was that the plane had to do a complete flip over to face the right way again. I remember thinking that I didn’t want to flip over, but it was over in an instant and our peace was never disturbed. The landing strip was visible and within a short space of time, the plane landed with the smoothest possible landing imaginable. We all got out absolutely amazed. ‘How did that happen without human intervention’ we said to each other.
It was an incredibly powerful word to my heart.
My throw away prayer and then the dream became even more powerful and relevant when I got my next scan results. There was further lymph node growth which meant, in the oncologist’s opinion, my cancer was coming back. He was sorry. But he also said he treated people not scan results and as long as I was keeping so well, he wouldn’t be recommending going back to chemotherapy for the time being. It was indeed a bit of a shock to hear those words and certainly not what we had hoped and prayed for. I did, however, remain fairly calm and thanked God for the eternal work He had done, and was doing in me. The Rock on which I was standing was becoming ever bigger and more solid with each difficult experience.
Once again, Niall and I prayed together, reiterating back to God that we continued to have such a sense that this was not my time to go, asking God to continue to mould and shape us and achieve the fullness of His plans and purposes for our lives in the next stage of the journey.
I was to get a rescan in 3 months.
I continued in my season of prayer and fasting. There was an increasing sense that my faith was growing- a common reflection for anyone who fasts regularly. It seems to be a real gift that God loves to give when we do fast regularly. I was certainly amazed at how much I felt secure in Jesus, even with the recent negative news. And, having established a pattern of continuing to run to Jesus, tell Him honestly how I was feeling, crying out to Him for much more, I realised that slowly but surely His presence was becoming so much more than just a place of safety and refuge. He was growing in me an ever increasing desire just to be with Him. The place of refuge was growing into a place of intimacy with My Saviour, My Friend. I loved being with Him! The more this place of intimacy grew, the more I became aware that this was an incredibly precious and valuable and indeed, powerful place where I was most complete, the most satisfied, and the place where all things are possible. Home where I belonged. As I drew near to Him in prayer or with His Word, He drew me ever increasingly nearer to me. There are times when I truly don’t want to leave His presence. My All in all.
It was also around this time that I began to ask some very honest questions too. ‘Why, when You opened every door in those first 10 months of treatment, has this happened?’ ‘Is there something delaying my healing?’ ‘Is it possible for God’s plans for healing to be delayed? ‘Is there something in my life causing this?’ ‘Is there a higher purpose in this that I can’t see?’
I asked every conceivable question from every conceivable angle. Some questions were right ones to ask, some were not. I didn’t really get too many answers but I needed to ask them nonetheless.
It was around this point as I waited for the next steps that a friend told me about trusted friends of hers who were involved in prayer ministry, primarily looking for ‘roots’ to why people get sick. Something resonated in me and I decided to push the door and a zoom chat was arranged.
Prayer Ministry
We are all broken. Born into a broken world surrounded by other broken people. Some are more broken than others. Some have relatively unbroken upbringings and life experiences. Some don’t. Some lives are filled with difficulties, less than ideal parenting, dysfunctional relationships, abuse, traumatic events, and evil influences, all having an effect on our health and wellbeing. It isn’t uncommon to find physical illness rooted in emotional or mental health problems in lives. I saw that a lot as a GP.
From a scriptural point of view, God wants us whole and well in body, soul and spirit. If one area of our lives is sick, then our total wellbeing is affected. One aspect of prayer ministry is to look for root causes as to why a person gets sick. All areas of trauma, problems in upbringing, difficult life events etc have spiritual consequences because they lock in lies about ourselves, others and God. These lies are contrary to the truth as we read it in scripture about who we are, and who God is. They also lock in areas of unforgiveness which need dealt with in the spiritual realm. We can be subject to generational issues, the consequences of which carry on through families. Again, at work, it was not uncommon to see alcohol fathers have alcoholic sons or grandsons as just one example.
Spiritual consequences of many of these things will also reduce our ability to appreciate and draw close to God. Our experience of Abba Father, for example, can be very restricted to a theoretical knowledge, rather than a deep heart experience, if we have had difficulties with our earthly fathers.
Prayer ministry operates under the guidance of the Holy Spirit and utilises gifts such as words of knowledge so things are dealt with from God’s perspective and in His way. We don’t always know what is best for ourselves.
And so I embarked on an initial ‘chat’ appointment to try and work out the best way forwards. Having spent almost 2 years in counselling many years ago, I began to realise that the deepest level of healing had to be before God. Some people get sick because this level of healing has never happened. No-one had ever explained that to me before.
My initial chat appointment rapidly turned into a prayer ministry appointment as I told my story to Paul, who was carrying out the prayer ministry that day. God greatly impressed on him that the trauma and emotional heaviness that I felt since those early days in chemo was to be dealt with among other things. The trauma was prayed off me and to my absolute amazement, all the awfulness and emotional baggage just disappeared! It was like looking back at a series of factual events without that horrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Over the course of my appointments, I was encouraged to bring areas of my life that needed dealt with. Each appointment was pretty exhausting, like a mini spiritual operation, but each brought with it new freedom as I was delivered from a great deal before God. It brought a change in me, my relationship with God, and with others too. We covered a lot in a relatively short space of time. What took 2 years of counselling to part solve, was completed before God in a few months. It was another transformational experience and all the glory goes to Him, who wants me whole and well.
And so I continue to wait, and ask, and trust that God will step in and bring about my physical healing. I continue to be desperate for more of Jesus in my life. I hope that never stops. Every day feels like I am so aware of the battle. I walk a journey of radical faith just now. I’m so thankful for those around me who have big faith for miraculous healing.
The story isn’t over. The transformation isn’t over. There is so much more. No matter what the next weeks, months and years look like….
‘Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is nothing I desire on earth besides You.’ (Psalm 27 v 25)
My Testimony- Update 27/05/2022
Following my most recent scan I was told that I had one rapidly growing lymph node and several other smaller lymph nodes, also enlarging. I had a small 1cm secondary on my liver. I agreed to go back to chemo. I was given a choice of chemo and opted for something different from before.
As I approached my next chemo treatment, I had an ever growing awareness of the very different place that I was in compared to the first time around. The contrast was incredibly striking and I was filled with so much gratitude for all the Lord had done for me over the past 2 years. It is time, once again, to praise Him for His goodness!
What a journey it has been so far- the hardest, yet most amazing of my life. So much of what I knew in theory about Father, Son and Spirit has become deep heart knowledge for me. I have learned that running into the presence of God time and time again never disappoints as I hope in Him.
It began when I got to know Jesus at a whole new level in those tough, dark early days, then a whole new encounter with the Holy Spirit began. But the pinnacle of my transformation thus far must surely be through the prayer ministry and beyond as new doors opened into the presence of my Father God. Jesus says in John 14 v 6 that He is the Way. Where? ‘No one comes to the Father except by me.’ Our ultimate restoration is with Father God- a place to be His child again and receive the fullness of His love, His protection and His provision as our perfect Father. We were born to belong in this place, just as it was in Eden. Ultimately it is a place of resting and receiving from Him.
And so it is from this new place of being that I approach the next round of chemo. There is much less room for fear when we realise just how much we are loved by our Father God. (1 John 4 18)
That doesn’t mean the days are easy. They aren’t, they are very hard at times. But God always finds a way to bring what I need into each situation as I continue to keep my eyes on Him and trust Him for my ultimate healing, one day at a time.
We thank Him for all that He has done already and praise Him for all He will do in the days ahead. There is so much more to come!
My Testimony Update 29th July 2022
The last time I wrote to you, I was just about to start chemo again. Filled with gratitude for all that the Lord had done for me, and indeed, for what I know He will do in the days ahead, I was so aware of the stark contrast between how I was now, compared to how I was when I first went into chemo. And that attitude of praise and thanksgiving has never left me. In fact, it has grown and increased steadily since I last wrote.
I now have had seven treatments of chemo. It didn’t take too long to work out how the chemo side effect profile was going to go. The first thing I was immediately struck by was the fact that I was actually walking out of the chemo unit feeling well. That was never my experience before as side effects would have already kicked in with the fierce chemo I had initially. Thank you Lord! Apart from a bit of fatigue in those early cycles of chemo, there haven’t been many side effects at all. In fact, the further I get into the process, the more I feel nearer normal. Amazingly I am able to go for short run, 2 or 3 miles, not quite the pace I normally do, but just so grateful to God that I can do this and be in chemo at the same time. Thank you Lord, once again!
In the spiritual realm, I am increasingly aware that since the months of prayer ministry, so many doors have been shut to the devil’s foothold in my life. What a massive difference this had made to my every-day life. There have been no oppressive evil attacks, the consequence of which is that I have spiritual space to be drawn ever deeper into the intimate presence of my Father God. This has been one of my biggest growth areas recently- getting to know my Father God- who He is and who He says I am. This specific journey has been an amazing process in itself as all that was lacking in relationship and intimacy is being restored by the wonderful grace of God. How has this come about? I have set intentional time aside most days to come into my Father’s presence, to talk with Him, and to ask Him to release more of His love for me. I have developed such a hunger for more of this aspect of God in my life. And the more I ask, the more He gives. And the more He gives, the more I rest and abide in Him, appreciating ever more richly just how much I am loved, just how much I am protected, and just how much I am provided for by my Father God. I walk in a place of peace now. My days are characterised by an extraordinary joy and hope. I can remember praying Romans 15 v 13 so often in those early days, when peace, joy and hope eluded me in the suffering. And here it is! I am walking the living Word of God.
‘May the God of all hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope’ Romans 15 v 13.
I am constantly reminded that this journey started over 3 years ago when I began praying for the abundant life of Jesus. And that is exactly what has been birthed in me. Right here, right now. I am amazed! Yes, it’s been the hardest 2 years of my life- I bear the scars that tell me so- but I can honestly say that I wouldn’t change those 2 years for the whole world. For I have been given priceless treasure of incomparable worth. And nothing comes even close to matching that.
‘…that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.
Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.
Until next time
Jenny.
Abundant Life Strategy 